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R U OK Blog Series - Melanie Edge

Alicja Lawler

Posted on October 22 2018

R U Ok day was on September 15th 2019, and as part of this I decided to reach out to some of my beautiful family, friends and clients to see if I could share some of their incredibly powerful stories with you all.

Written by Melanie Edge.

Sometimes... but because I am speaking candidly the actual answer would be No.
Growing up, the term anxiety wasn’t really thrown around a lot. But looking back, it makes clear sense to the symptoms I experienced from a really young age.
I was ‘labelled’ the shy and quiet kid, but in reality, I was actually that anxious kid. Moving from my hometown to a brand-new state, I was odd. Mostly from that Victorian twang I carried with me, you know Kath & Kim, but not so prominent. I was bullied hard fucking core. For a whole Semester, I endured taunts and was relentlessly teased by two girls. The bullying got so bad that I developed an eating disorder at the tender age of 10.

The thought of eating at any time of day made me instantly nauseous. I would spend my time at the sick bay because I thought I wanted to vomit all day every day. I would then cry and scream when my parents forced food into my mouth. But thinking back, the feelings were similar to what you would call stomach butterflies. Anxiety.

Becoming a teenager was probably where is exacerbated. I discovered cutting.
When I would cut myself, it was never really about dying, it was about being in control of a feeling that I couldn’t manage. Looking back, I probably went through about 10 episodes of self-harm. The pain from the razor actually made me feel, when otherwise I felt a pretty numb existence. The last time I self-harmed was 10 years ago.

I have never been depressed, but there had been situations that had provided that little nudge into what you’d call depression. From sexual assaults, to breakups, to my parents’ divorce.

I have ever only considered taking my life once. It was of course over a boy (rolls eyes). I had been to a party, drank way too much, made poor decisions, which then left me with a feeling of jumping from the 20th floor. If it wasn’t for my ex-boyfriend, who was with me at the time, I don’t think I’d be here to tell you this story.

Fast forwarding to now, I am still an anxious person. I take medication, which helps ease the symptoms. 

I have suffered several panic attacks which had left incapacitated.

I will always have a faster beating heart, and when stressed I suffer from tachycardia.

I have spoken with therapists throughout the years, but I never gelled with any. I am still on that quest.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and often burn out from helping too many people, when instead the charity should start at home.

I am forever learning about myself, my tolerances, my failures, but most importantly what makes me happy.

I am loved.

I am Melanie Edge.

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